That's how it starts

We walked away from hell
on the palms of our hands.


I'm happy these days.

if that's what it takes, then don't let it tear us apart

Another day, splitting of atoms.
My socks are swallowing my feet.


I write this to a few.


I had a job interview on Friday for a Montessori kindergarten on the east side of Beijing. More money, better area, another challenge for me as a teacher. I'm probably going to take the job, marking an end to my current life in Beijing. I'd be moving to the other side of the city, a part that is markedly different from where I am. I'd be leaving the job that brought me here. I'd be letting some people down, but at the same time I'd be starting something new, something a bit more healthy for my non-work life. The hours are set: 8-5 Monday through Friday. Some minor weekend work required on occasion, but I choose when to do it. In the summer, a whole month off. I might actually get to have a social life. Hu-fucking-zzah!


I miss you guys. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fool for staying here when I have so much love and support elsewhere.

So, anyway, back to what I was talking about earlier.

[But seriously, a 500m tall wave?]

Maybe we should just get married. It'd make it easier to do move and do the things we want to do. Or maybe they're just the things I want to do. Do I even know what I want to do? GAH!

I once wanted to be a poet, but now that urge has migrated.
I wanted to be a photographer, but that went somewhere too.
I, but where we went was far enough away that I went there too.

Okay. Maybe I should get my head on straight, do some soul searching, go on a trip on a magic swirling ship. How much soul searching can one person do? It's only been 28 years. I've probably spent at least a fourth of that time thinking about what would happen after that fourth was over. Where has it gotten me?

Its just a mess. All of it. I do not limit this to myself. I think the minute piece of existence where humanity has found it's niche is just a messy room with no one capable of cleaning it properly. We haven't found the floor wax or the towels. We think mopping with cold water gets the job done.

I have this beautiful house in my head. Its deep in the woods. It always smells slightly of damp cedar. In the afternoon it drizzles. In the morning, the sun jigsaws the ground. Ferns. A piano leaks through the windows. Its just about the calmest place anyone could imagine.

My parents suggested the other night that I become a nurse.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lituya_Bay

Its hard not to think about the future. I'm constantly at crossroads, which makes it look like nothing at all is bound to happen. Sort of like walking through a wide field without any sense of its borders. I've got through so many possibilities this year; grad school, peace corp, foreign service exam, studying Chinese full time, continuing work in Beijing, returning home with no plan, travel the world for a year/a few months, nothing. And at some point I change my mind veer down another course, then another, then another. Its frustrating for myself and probably irritating for everyone else. I like all these ideas, save the 'nothing' one. It depends on the day. How do you make a decision when your mood dictates the choice? You must divorce yourself from that interjection. You must make some sort of logical leap of faith, though I don't believe it should be completely severed from the emotional aspect.

then a piece of mind fell over me

You know what the biggest emotional barrier is? My girlfriend. There is absolutely nothing more prevalent in my life than her. Do we have a future together? Can we work it out in the end? These are questions that remain still more stark than the question of the future, because without an answer to these questions there can be no making of a future for me, or for us. Its a ridiculously tangled affair, one that never seems to have any clear outcomes. Some days, I feel I need to leave this all behind and move on to something new. And others, I want nothing more than to stay with her and work it all out. Neither side has a clear lead in the race, its neck and neck. Her patience is starting to wear thin. We have a little whiteboard next to our door on which she has written: "Have you made up your mind yet?" And she likes to stand next to it pointing and smiling with this sort of manic flight attendant grin. She has told me it doesn't even bother her any more, than she doesn't really care what the outcome is. She just wants to stop worrying about the whole thing, and I can't help but feel I owe her an answer and it should be soon. She'll need to move on if I decide to do something that isn't compatible with "us". I know we'll both be alright in the long run, but it'll be that week/month those months that will be downright unbearable. I guess when it all boils down to it, the part of me that wants to move on hasn't done so because it doesn't want to go through that. Does anyone, really? Like watching the ground rush up at you and wishing it wouldn't hurt when you crash.

Staying in China:

Continuing work in Beijing
Studying Chinese full time / Grad School in Beijing
Nothing (staying at my current job)

Leaving China:

Grad School
Peace Corp
Foreign Service Corp
Traveling around the world
Teaching in another country (wouldn't mind going back to Japan, or maybe trying to make it in a European country)
Returning home with no plan (maybe move to a city and just find a job, though this is probably not the best time to do this)


I can't sleep when I think about the times we're living in...

I'll write more later