Its hard not to think about the future. I'm constantly at crossroads, which makes it look like nothing at all is bound to happen. Sort of like walking through a wide field without any sense of its borders. I've got through so many possibilities this year; grad school, peace corp, foreign service exam, studying Chinese full time, continuing work in Beijing, returning home with no plan, travel the world for a year/a few months, nothing. And at some point I change my mind veer down another course, then another, then another. Its frustrating for myself and probably irritating for everyone else. I like all these ideas, save the 'nothing' one. It depends on the day. How do you make a decision when your mood dictates the choice? You must divorce yourself from that interjection. You must make some sort of logical leap of faith, though I don't believe it should be completely severed from the emotional aspect.

then a piece of mind fell over me

You know what the biggest emotional barrier is? My girlfriend. There is absolutely nothing more prevalent in my life than her. Do we have a future together? Can we work it out in the end? These are questions that remain still more stark than the question of the future, because without an answer to these questions there can be no making of a future for me, or for us. Its a ridiculously tangled affair, one that never seems to have any clear outcomes. Some days, I feel I need to leave this all behind and move on to something new. And others, I want nothing more than to stay with her and work it all out. Neither side has a clear lead in the race, its neck and neck. Her patience is starting to wear thin. We have a little whiteboard next to our door on which she has written: "Have you made up your mind yet?" And she likes to stand next to it pointing and smiling with this sort of manic flight attendant grin. She has told me it doesn't even bother her any more, than she doesn't really care what the outcome is. She just wants to stop worrying about the whole thing, and I can't help but feel I owe her an answer and it should be soon. She'll need to move on if I decide to do something that isn't compatible with "us". I know we'll both be alright in the long run, but it'll be that week/month those months that will be downright unbearable. I guess when it all boils down to it, the part of me that wants to move on hasn't done so because it doesn't want to go through that. Does anyone, really? Like watching the ground rush up at you and wishing it wouldn't hurt when you crash.

Staying in China:

Continuing work in Beijing
Studying Chinese full time / Grad School in Beijing
Nothing (staying at my current job)

Leaving China:

Grad School
Peace Corp
Foreign Service Corp
Traveling around the world
Teaching in another country (wouldn't mind going back to Japan, or maybe trying to make it in a European country)
Returning home with no plan (maybe move to a city and just find a job, though this is probably not the best time to do this)


I can't sleep when I think about the times we're living in...

I'll write more later